I was in my car yesterday, listening to 0330 because i had listened to all my favorite AAA's songs already. Besides, i tend to listen to sad songs when i'm down. And for a while my mind went to Kevin. I am not sure why but his part in their last song moves me more than any other part in that song or in another one.
You probably have no idea how much i love and care about all those idols i never mention. I guess i don't mention them because they're too many. XD Or i don't know them enough to think of something witty every time i see them, like i do with SS501. And if we take Tumblr as example, i just don't like reblogging for the sake of reblogging.
So i never or rarely get the chance to talk about Kevin ssi.
Kevin is the sun. Just the sun.
I don't mean to brag, but while U-Kiss was promoting Shut Up i said something and since that day, that statement of mine is the thing that comes to my mind whenever i see or think about Kevin:
"Whenever he's in the frame, the rest of the world falls into darkness."
Kevin radiates peacefulness just by speaking, and hope by singing, and happiness by smiling or laughing. That high, childish laugh of his.
He doesn't belong to that group of people i call my anchors, because he's not the first one i think of when i'm down. Nevertheless he gives me the same feeling when i see him.
It might sound selfish, but part of me thought of Kevin before anyone and anything else when Xander and Kibum left.
You know, despite it may not seem like that, friendship will forever comes first to me. It's the thing that makes me mad the most and at the same time the one that makes me bite on the bullet so often. Plus, i am utterly unbelievably scared of changes. Scared that people might change their feelings for me.
Coming from this background, i wondered if Kevin felt what i would feel.
I am totally not the kind of person who believes that distance won't kill love. Unless a relationship develops when people are distant, i believe moving apart drifts you apart. What's worse is that when you're used to have someone by your side and then one day that someone isn't there anymore, you can't run to them whenever you need them like you used to do. If the first thing you gave me was presence, that should never be taken away from me.
Now, if i was in U-Kiss and two of my members, but above all two of my best friends was forced to leave, i would easily freak out. I wouldn't get mad because they didn't leave on purpose, but i would still freak out about the change.
Therefore when Xander and Kibum left, somehow i felt they would have been okay. Xander has his family and his unfaltering faith in everything that is good; Kibum, i knew Baby would have taken care of him. But i wished i could protect Kevin in that moment. I wished i could make him laugh or help him in any way he considered helpful according to how much he was shaken.
Protection is the first thing we all wanna give to our biases, i believe. But my biases are all tougher. Than me or than Kevin. I don't get too worried when something happens to them (unless it's something huge) because they're strong. Somehow i picked all the tough ones. Most of the time i laugh everything off because too many people make unnecessary drama about kpop already.
Kevin is different though.
Kevin might be too innocent and kind and just pure. He sees the good in everything and everyone.
God, Kevin is me when i was 15, but i don't want him to learn life the hard way, meeting crappy people and hurting. I wish i could shield him from all of that and i know too well i can't so i end up crying when he sings 0330.
He smiles. Through it all he still smiles because he probably knows his friends aren't really leaving him. Kevin is smarter than me. But call it suggestion, his smile seems bleary and melancholy to me these days. Like shattered and then glued back together. And there's this sort of shadow around him.
I hate that idols throw the best years of their life away to chase a dream and when they finally reach their goal they need to suffer more, because they become money makers to their companies.
And people like U-Kiss make the world a better place. They're selfless, loyal and plain good. They should never meet hardships, if not the ones they purposely decided to face.
In the end i don't know what the point of this whole entry is anymore, but i guess i just wish i could protect Kevin like the selfless older sister i am not, because i don't want him to change, because it's his clear, maybe easily shaken soul that led him where he is without giving up or stepping back. It's that part of him that made people fall in love with him.
I pray for him to be okay every time i see him, i'm not even kidding.
I pray that all the people who love him take care of him like i could never do.
And i pray that haze around his smile fades away because Kevin is my little angel and angels' smiles should never be hazy.
Love Ya,
Menu ah
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