There's something about Jung Min...

Wonders a video can do.

This video.

It's not even subbed. If i had to put how much of it i actually understood into percentage i guess it would be...2%? 

Yet it was enough to inspire another entry.

I admit every now and then i ask myself if i should just face the bittersweet truth that Saengie ah is my ultimate bias more than Jung Min ah.

You know, whatever i do i imagine Saengie's reaction if he was there with me. I notice every little thing about him, just like i did with Jung Min one year ago. Most of the time i'm conflicted and every now and then i weigh up the idea maybe Saengie ah owns a bigger part of my heart.

And then things like that video happens.

I don't really get what it means missing an idol, when you have their songs and videos always there, ready to be melted for all the times you've listened to/watched them. But i realise i miss them when i see new videos, like this one.

It happened with Saengie's fanmeeting, when i heard his voice "again" and it happened today with Jung Min, when i heard his laugh. 

It was...idk, full. I feel like this is the right adjective. The way i burst into laughter myself just hearing his laugh, not knowing why he was laughing. And the way i kept a dumb proud smile on my face until the end of the video. The happiness of seeing his naturalness again. Maybe having a confirmation that the real world and all the hardships he said he had to go through haven't changed him.

I can neglect him for days, weeks, months. I'm sure it seems to you that i neglect him because i myself feel like he's the member i mention the least. But despite they all make me weep/smile/jump in joy whatever they do, the sensation of having your heart filled with such a mix of good emotions you can't even tell them apart...that belongs to no one else but him.

Maybe because everything started with him or because i do feel like i owe him the world (you must be damn tired to hear me saying this. I'm sorry.)

I would still sell my hair to have him in my life. Not as a boyfriend or anything. Just having him. 

Because if Kyu taught me to face hardships and Leader is my hero and Baby is like a portable smile machine that i take out of my pocket every time i need to feel better and Saengie ah is pretty much all over my life...Jung Min ah was my life savior before i came to know the others, and he makes me feel guilty more than Kyu when i slack off (i know we're all picturing his smirk at this very moment), i admire and cry for his achievements just like i do with Leader, and his laugh...well, i told you what his laugh does to me already.

Saengie ah is all over my life, but Jung Min ah is my goal. 

If Leader, Kyu and Baby taught me how to face every day, whether is good or bad, with a smile and a light heart, Jung Min ah showed me the life i'd like to have.

Not that i want to be famous, but i want to speak out my mind even if it may upset someone, because i want to be sure the people i have around can take it without letting me go. And i want to learn to flush hardships down the toilet, believing i have all the cards to be stronger than self-commiseration, all the cards to breathe and say 'Fine, let's start all over again. Where did i go wrong?' And i want to be there for all those i love, no matter how busy i may be or how much my day sucks. I want to be surrounded by people who understand when i'm down, but at the same time i want to be strong enough not to show that i'm hurt or struggling. Like a one way shell: he's not a Scrooge, he can give you his heart because it's big enough to be shared with everyone, but at the same time he doesn't let anyone pierce the shell or anyone's words hurt him.

Leader is my hero for his courage. Jung Min is my hero for his strength. 

Like Hyun Joong said, he's the strong pillar. Well, it would be awesome if i could be like that for my friends and myself.

Jung Min is like the older brother you love, look up to and are intimidated by. Because he was there before you and reached important goals before you and everyone is proud of him and you are too and you want to be like him but you're somehow afraid he may think you're not enough or you're not doing enough, because you admire him so much you need his approval. Though maybe all he wants is you to be yourself and not to limp in his wake.

And then one day you wake up and find that your golden brother is human, too. You see his tears, at one point when he can't bear it by himself anymore and you realise he's even stronger than you thought because he succeeded in making you believe he's fearless.

He's done more for me than what i myself am aware of. And some of the things i listed earlier, about what i'd like my life and personality to be...some of those things are already happening. 

And he made that happen silently and naturally. Sitting on a chair talking on the phone to one of his best friends. Or waving a broken umbrella in the wind shouting 'I COMMUNICATE WITH ALIENS!' Pulling hair to some unlucky souls trying to ruin his beauty sleep. Bursting into bedrooms shouting 'lalalaaaa'. Singing. And dancing like if he had a giant neon sign behind him saying 'There is one and only Sexy Charisma and he does not share power.'

He can't stop being so important to me simply because he doesn't do anything special to be important. He's important for who he is and as long as he'll be himself he'll remain important. 

He's important because he is Park Jung Min.  And yes...there is one and only Park Jung Min. And he does not share power either.

Love Ya, Menu ah