I'm doubting i will ever actually go to Seoul. I'm doubting i will ever do all the things i dream to do there. To the point sometimes i hate being so much into k-pop.
Sometimes i wish k-pop was just music, just a bunch on incomprehensible songs in my iPod and some pretty faces on a screen.
Sometimes i wish it wasn't my anchor, that place that gives me so many great memories and so much strength, the place that makes me think about my lifestyle.
I swear, i've never dreamed of ANYTHING as badly, almost desperately, as i wish to go there and meet SS501.
I'm a spoilt kid and i've wished for many things in my life. Most of which i actually got. But i wished them for the sake of having them. The moment i got them, my thrill faded away. It was an end, not a start. Meeting SS501 would be a sort of confirmation. I'm sure of it.
I thought i've had so much in life that i couldn't be mesmerized by anything else. I thought having a lot of my wishes coming true meant i had become a cold girl who's forgotten what anticipation is.
I've been at a My Chemical Romance concert, had Oliver&James Phelps and Evanna Lynch one meter away from my nose, been in places people dream to see for a lifetime, but nothing can compare to the feeling i'd get just standing in the same room with SS501 or in their country.
I watch my Persona in Seoul DVD and i get goosebumps when i imagine being part of that green ocean, with these five guys walking around the stage in front of my eyes. Or attending a fansigning event and being literally in front of them. Shaking their hands even. Being able to tell them in person that i love them, knowing for sure that they've seen my face once in their lives and i've seen theirs. Not on a poster, but for real.
I was doing fine, i was patiently waiting for 2011 to come. I had put up with the fact i couldn't visit Seoul by the end of this year.
And then that effing news came out: the freaking unnecessary KyuSaeng fanmeeting on the 4th of December. I didn't even have time to record the information. I only knew i was supposed to be there in that week, if my plans didn't go to shit.
And then the double effing six countries tour. And i suppose Jung Min's gonna do the same. And possibly HJL&HJB, too.
It's stupid, but i hate being here. I hate the idea everyone is getting their chance to make their dream come true, while i probably won't. Simply because i was born here.
I can't even explain it. The more i write, the more i feel stupid.
I feel that if i don't do this now i'll miss my chance forever, since one day i won't be this free to go wherever i want to, whenever i want to. And at the same time i can't do this now, no matter how much i wish and need to go.
And it makes me hate myself because i want to be happy for those who'll do this in my place, but the only thing i have in mind is 'What if i will never make it?'
I'm selfish and horrible, though i don't mean to be. I don't want to be a bad person and a bad friend. I want to listen to you when you'll tell me what it feels like to be with them. Because that's what you'd do. And that's the sane reaction i should have.
The optimistic part of me keeps telling me that this is all a sort of test that will make that moment even more special. And she also thinks it's better to wait for their group comeback so i'll have the chance to meet all of them at once. Because the optimistic me believes that moment will come. And sooner than expected.
The realistic me, the one who never feels the need to wake up but feels the urge to butt in right when she's supposed to sit down and shut up, keeps pointing out an endless list of flaws in my plan.
It's stupid, i know. But it's my dream right now. The biggest one i've had in my life. And i wish a fairy godmother popped up and sent me to the other side of the world just like that, from the tip of her wand.
I could go along with everything, later. A tiring sucky job, no boyfriend, being fat and ugly and lonely forever, with a handful of smashed dreams in my drawer. EVERYTHING if it means this dream won't be a little heap of crumbs in that same drawer.
Because it's tiring. I don't care if you're gonna think i'm overreacting. It is. It's painful because i'm not that much of a good person, i guess. I have to fight the idea i may keep dreaming forever and fight to avoid this enlightenment to turn me into a bad person.
And i'm scared the stress of this neverending waiting will take me to give up on this all at some point.
But i'm scared to give up, too. Because kpop did too much for me. It's an instant cure and i'm afraid already to find out that one day something will come up that kpop won't be able to heal anymore. And at that point i'd be screwed because i'm not sure i've learned how to handle hardships. I just use kpop to ignore the pain until it's gone.
So if i give up entirely i'm sure i'll go back to be the depressed girl i was last year and i don't like that girl. She annoys me and pisses me off on a daily basis.
She's mad at everyone and i don't want to be mad at everyone.
I like who i am now, in good and bad terms.
I like making people smile, i like my randomness even if it's tiring for someone, i like not being afraid to tell about my feelings no matter how useless they sound to people (like me) and i like shaking off hate with sarcasm and fighting for what i believe, though it bothers people who don't agree with me.
So yeah, it's a vicious circle. I wish kpop wasn't my anchor and at the same time i can't afford to let it go. So i pray with every fiber of my being that one day my dream will come true, but sometimes i don't believe it myself.
I'm just sorry that the greatest effect of this circle is that i can't be the friend and TripleS i'd like to be.
[Like i said, today my mood doesn't reflect these feelings but i'm sure it will. Soon. Again. So i thought to say it anyway. So that you're prepared.]
Love Ya,
Menu ah
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