Ready for the Worst

I don't have a specific reason to write this. It's just that all i've been seeing around in the past few days are hopeless words. And i'm tired of this. Especially because when i try to say something and that something goes against the general thought we're all supposed to have right now i get bashed.

This way you're not forced to read if you're not sure you wanna read.

A month ago when people said 'Pray for the best, prepare for the worst' i went 'Yeah, sure. Like you can really do that.'

Well, i have to stand correct: that's exactly where i am.

I'm just patiently waiting for some slacky DSP soul to say something (which will never happen, i'm sure. The only hope we have to get news is that SS501 change company.) I don't freak out anymore, i don't cry anymore, i'm not scared anymore.

Now you're gonna be thinking 'Tsk, she's not worth it. She's not supposed to be called a TripleS.' But honestly, there's been so much speculation going on that i guess i've had time to consider every option and reason why SS501 would disband or not. And now i understand that the needs of a 20 year old boy are definitely different from the ones of a 25 year old man. It's not just a dream they're considering, it's a life choice at this point. More than it was 5 years ago.

Now, i'm not saying i want them to disband. I'm just saying that it's easier for me to support them completely now that i've had time to think it through.

Before explaining why i'm not scared i need to say something, though. Something about every member. Things you've already read in my tweets, but that i've never posted on this blog.

Hyun Joong. Hyun Joong got me here. He's the link between my previous and current life. When i turned on my laptop in November and saw him for the first time on the screen, struck with the brightest smile i had ever seen, i had no idea of the esteem and respect i was gonna feel for him.

I had no idea that he was gonna be the hardworking, spontaneous, caring Leader who would make his whole group win my heart.

He's the idol i had to shield the most, because since i've known him he's been through every kind of difficulty.

And considering the way he's always got through everything he's also the one i'm most proud of.

Young Saeng. Wherever Young Saeng will be, today or in 10 years, i guess i can't help it but remember him as my fake husband. I'm gonna tell my kids that in a particularly happy moment of my life i had this cute, chubby, troublesome, shy, lovely prince in my heart. Whether i'll still be a TS or not in 20 years, Saengie ah will always remain an important brick of my life.

Of course i love his voice, i love his personality despite a lot of people say he's arrogant and uncool...but the first thing that leaps to mind when i see him HAS to be 'SAENGIE AH!!' And honestly, i'm thankful for this.

Kyu Jong. Kyu Jong just makes me want to be better. Whenever i see him i think of my bad temper, my uncountable raging moments and i feel ashamed 'cause Kyu would probably be disappointed.

And i fel worthless 'cause he's been through some real hard times in his life, yet his smile has never faded away. I'm just a spoilt, unaware girl who sulks for pointless reasons.

It's not like i'm not trying to fix this side of me, but so far i've failed.

Jung Min. I never know where to start from with him.

I know you all believe i sold my heart and soul to Saengie, but the truth is Jung Min has never, not even for a second, left my heart.

His voice is still the one that moves me the most, his laugh is still the one that makes my heart lighter, his smile is still the one that lifts all my bad mood up. Only listening to Green Peas is enough for me to calm down.

If i think back of the first time i saw his smile i still fall for him every time.

There's a thought i used to have in my early TS days and it's something i still deeply believe in: being famous and at the same time being such an admirable person like Jung Min (and the others) is amazing not just because people recognize you in the street or because of money.

It gives you the power to make someone's life better. Just by existing.

And despite how lame this is, that's the greatest gift i got from Jung Min. That's why i can't possibly let him out of my heart. Because i know whatever happens, he's the only one among all my biases who can erase every sort of bad feeling just by being there.

I've tested this. I know for sure it works.

Hyung Jun. Hyung Jun has this thing, to make me go along with his feelings. He cries, i cry. He laughs, i laugh. He smiles, i smile.

Somehow i think a disbandment would be harder for him because i feel he's a bit like me: when you're used to see someone everyday, no matter how strong you are and how much you believe in that bond, the idea of a change scares the hell out of you. And i mean HELL!

But again he has another good point: doing or saying whatever leaps to mind. Whether it brings him to shout nonsense english words or grabbing the phone to let people know he misses them.

I'm not scared 'cause whatever happens to SS501 the group, these are their personalities. And it's something no company can take away.

What's more, the main reason why i fell for them, even before their music, it's their bond.

To me friendship comes before my own life. Thinking about this now that i know many other groups, it just feels natural that i've fallen for SS501 before and more than someone else.

To me they're not 5 forever as 1 because they perform on the same stage at the same time. It's because Jung Min convinced Kyu to stay when he wanted to leave 'cause he felt out of place; because they kept company to Saengie when he was in hospital; because HJL missed the so much while shooting BOF that he carved "SS501" in the ice; because HJB cried when he thought the others were mad at him; because they call each other when they can't meet for a few days.

I WAS scared. I was scared because the idea of watching some show and reading their names without that 'SS501' next to it IS scary. But now i'm not anymore.

I'm not just saying 'cause i wanna sound cool. I am not scared.

Partly 'cause i trust them and i keep thinking of their last fanmeeting and their words make me believe our prayers won't be left unheard. Partly because i'm ready.

Oh, i'll cry. Whether they'll stay together or not, i'll cry my heart out. I still wish them to be with me as a group a little longer.

But again, as long as they're friends i'll be right behind them. Because that's the thing i love the most about them.

Oh, have you thought about this? Green is the color of hope. This must mean something, right?