See you soon, Kim Heechul

I'm not writing because he's enlisting and because i wanna show off. I'm writing because his enlistment is one of those events that make you think about many things connected to that person and since i haven't been an official Elf for long i haven't had the occasion or the time to express why i chose to be a Petal.


As far as i can remember, since i knew k-pop i've known Super Junior. The largest group in the business, with one of the largest fandoms and an amount of struggles and achievements proportionate to the number of members.
I've known Leeteuk because he's the leader, i've known Shindong for being "the big idol", i've know Eunhyuk because he coincidentally appeared on several shows i watched and i've known Siwon, simply because his smile impressed me in a video my bff showed me.
I knew nothing about the other ten splendid men i love to bits now, but i knew Heenim, too.
Who doesn't, right? One way or another, anyone's kpop experience crosses Heechul's path.
I knew him as a self-confident, mean, cold, maybe a bit narcissist boy. I've never hated him, as i've always found his attitude either entertaining or inspiring, but i didn't know the image i had of him was just the tip of the iceberg.
I got into Super Junior last May, mostly thanks to Tumblr and Brianna (Holyshisus/Bridictator), who's like the purest strongest Petal and Elf in general i've ever seen, and through her i saw the humanity and breakableness of Heechul.
I learned that under the "Heenim shell" there's a heart made of mind-bothering doubts and a clear strong care for others.
That's where a part of my heart ordered a 'Kim Heechul' plaque and stuck it on itself and decided to never take it off.
That's when i felt for the first time honest affection for him.
Because rather than the unfaltering person he made me aim to be, i found that we're already alike in so many ways. And though i say the same thing about many other idols, this is different: i usually say an idol and i are alike because of the things they do, or the level of irony their statements reach, their randomness, a specific action i have done at some point in my life too, like a superficial similarity.
Heechul and I share a way of thinking, though. A way of feeling.
He openly admitted friendship comes before love to him, but he's constantly focused on the detail he doesn't have a lover; he expects from others as much honesty as he gives to everyone; he acts arrogant and bossy, when on the inside he's not really.
That is a pretty accurate picture of who i am, too: wanting to be there for my friends, the real ones, those who deserve to get back from me the love i got from them; having those moments when i look around and see myself alone before remembering i have those friends who have always been enough and why wouldn't they be anymore? Talking about myself more than necessary, being possessive and distant sometimes, just to hide and fight the fear to be left out or behind.
Once i wrote "Heechul's mind fascinates me and saddens me", because as much as we're alike he is still better than me and i know how much it can hurt having a mind of this kind, so i want him to be happy, always, especially when he says things that make me wonder if he's okay. I don't want him to feel burdened for being the way he is, because he always gives his everything to others (like Siwon said) and others should just give their everything to him. And despite he'll tell you to get out when you make him feel unworthy, he will actually wonder if he could have done better after all. Even though he might have done his best already.


Kim Heechul is a complicated tricky delicate character who i haven't been able to spend enough time with. And he happens to be the first idol i see enlisting, the first one i deeply care about.
I know it's only a figurative leave. He's never really been in my life and whenever i miss him i can always go on YouTube and watch old videos until he comes back. But if you're a fan, not necessarily a Petal or an Elf, you probably understand the company a bias is and you hopefully understand that's the part i'm gonna miss.
I don't know how this experience is gonna affect him, but i know (and i wish there was a way for him to know as well) that plaque with his name my heart holds dearly is gonna miss his voice, his mischievous smile, his randomness and his striking rationality every single day, like you miss a brother or a friend who moved to another country for a span of time that seems unbearable to go through now that's not even begun.
And i wish that whenever he has a bad day from now until his dischargement, or whenever he wonders if people have forgotten about him already...i wish he knew of all the people i know, who are willing to wait for him until the end of time because there is one only Kim Heechul and for good or ill only idiots would let him go after knowing him.
I don't know if he, like me, sometimes wonders if he's the only one having certain thoughts, but if he does i wish he knew there's at least one person here who understands, because he made me feel less lonely in my mess and i should just pay him back.


Heechul ssi, i don't know if you realize what an amazing person we see behind that rock mask you wear, but you are more loved than you'd probably admit (or less than you'd admit to want to be loved) and please believe you'll always be.
You've given me everything but regrets, if not the one to have wasted so much time not knowing you.
And yes, we will miss you, but like many times before we'll get through this together.


See you soon, Heenim!!
Hwaiting!





Love Ya, 
Menu ah