This is so confusing i'm confused myself
I've been writing a lot about this mess but the more i read comments the more i get confused, to the point i can't even define my position anymore.
But i think i can confidently give 3 branches of thoughts:
BRANCH #1 - The negative branch
To make it short, i'm mad.
BRANCH #2 - The guilty branch
Because i feel guilty for being so stubborn.
BRANCH #3 - The disappointed branch.
Because the rest of the fandom is being a tiny little bit hypocritical and that lets me down.
Assuming Hyun Joong actually meant what we think he meant.
How are you not mad? Teach me.
Because i've turned his statements upside down like a bride's bedroom on her wedding day, like a rubik cube that refuses to be solved. And the only feeling i can find is disappointment.
I've always thought i'd be devastated to find out SS501 would not come back. But no. I don't even care about the future atm. If they come out and clarify i will still be believing because it's their words that make me believe, but alas it's their words that let me down. Words can do that too. It's too easy to forgive everything, based on old good deeds. If you do something wrong, that remains wrong.
But anyway I don't care about the future, i care about the present and what those words caused.
If i try reading between the lines, all i can read is that he's been reckless and no matter what you say, i've always known a comeback from different companies would be hard, but the fact he promised there was gonna be one nevertheless, made me assume he knew there was a way to overcome the difficulties.
How are you not mad when really all i can see in his statement is that he's given up? Even if he later found out those ways to overcome the difficulties are not realistic. How can you accept that kind of reaction from him?
He didn't say 'We won't come back this year or maybe even next year, but i'm confident a moment will come when we can be SS501 again.' He said 'I've been reassuring fans but it's time to be honest, a comeback won't happen and i've planned my next two years already because there's nothing i can do.'
How can you just see the honesty and forget the meaning of that statement?
How can you let him get away with the fact he might stop trying if he hasn't already?
How? If having second thoughts until last week was like kicking yourself out of the fandom? How do you forgive him for having second thoughts?
I feel crazy, like my brain doesn't work anymore because i seem to be the only one who sees that. But i swear, i've tried to see a bright side of this, i've tried giving him the benefit of the doubt. Do you think i wouldn't excuse him if i could find a way to do that?
When he left the company one would authomatically think he'd given up, but because he explained he had a plan i didn't lose faith. Now he's not reassuring us though. So how can you not be at least a bit disappointed?
If you know me you should know i've tried finding justifications. Because if you know me you should know i owe SS501 my life and my happiness and i am really not one of those crazy fans who hate on a principle. But i do believe you don't always agree with idols and according to how big the disagreement is, that idol can lose points.
How can you not be mad if i'm here struggling to decide how far Hyun Joong is to lose my respect as a leader?
I don't think it's fair to be so understanding over certain matters.
The whole fandom is founded on his promise. Jesus Christ. God. Let's face it. And just like GD, i don't want him to believe he can have all the support he could get no matter what he does. He gets the respect he gets because of the person he is and you judge the person he is by his actions, especially because you don't know him in real life. If his actions let me down, why can't i be mad? Why can't i say it and keep my place in the fandom?
But if thinking this makes me a bad TripleS then i guess i'm not a good TripleS but it doesn't even matter because if he really meant what he said i wouldn't be able to look up to him the way i've done until yesterday and if that principle falls, then it's only fair i call myself out.
It's different from not supporting, though. I don't wish him bad things at all. But the reason why i believe in this group and this fandom so much would fall, therefore i wouldn't even be able to feel what i've been feeling toward them.
You know, a fandom is allowed to be mad. It makes me mad you refuse to be. It seems unreasonable to me. And i know from your point of view i make you mad for wanting you to be mad and you fairly assume i'm not a fan at all if i want you to be mad.
But really, i wish you were doing something instead of giving him nonexistant excuses. And if an excuse exists then show me.
But let it be a reasonable excuse, not "you have to believe" because i've believed him for two years, through everything.
That's why i'm so mad. Because the fact the world is constantly picking on him isn't enough to make me shut up and look ahead like i've always done. Because the fact the world is constantly picking on him was a good reason in the past, but right now he's the only one who can be blamed (still assuming that wasn't a mistranslation but idk, considering no correction's been published i'm starting losing hope this is all a mistake).
Believe me, if i could find anyone else to point my finger at, i would do it right away. Because most of the time issues of this kind come from bored haters. And you think i wouldn't take that into account before blaming someone i respect so much?
I'm sorry, i looked to the right and left and up and down but i could only see Hyun Joong. And believe it or not, that's not a nice feeling for me.
Seeing him on my posters or in gifs of his new MV and having an annoying woodpecker in my brain insisting he might not be the one i thought he was.
Or that he's changed. People can change, right? That's allowed. And if people change, the reason why you respect them changes too. If you love a friend that makes you laugh and he becomes boring you don't like him anymore, right? That's allowed.
Well, let's say he's changed then.
That's frustrating, because SS501 has been my anchor and not seeing in them what made me wrap myself around them kills me but it's one of those things you can't fix. You can't force yourself to love something that's not made for you, even if you've loved it before. But i've loved them too much to just give up like that so i'm simply disappointed and waiting for an explanation that will make me laugh at myself for the thoughts i'm having now.
Believe it or not.
And it kills me the idea that when this issue will hopefully be explained you will distrust me because i am not willing to forgive him unless he explains himself now. I hate knowing my words in this moment will mark my "TripleS reputation" forever and might even delete everything i've said and done since i joined the fandom, despite i've defended him and them in every way i could.
I'm sorry i'm disappointing you, but i guess that makes us even.
You and me and him.
1 commento:
You are not dissapointing at all! How can anyone be unaffected by this?
For me SS501 has always been the only group I thought I knew. Everyone else are idols, products you can never be sure are real. But SS501 always seemed so honest, true to their fans, and closer to tripleS than most idols are to their fans. This is what hurt me. I always knew a full comeback was almost impossible, and I only truly hoped for end of the year collabs and such. And that would be ok for me. But they said they would try, so I hoped that someday, some beautiful day, they might make it work. Now, finding out that he lied, that he wont even try anymore... that makes me doubt anything they've ever said. And that, takes the ground from under my feet.
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